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(no subject)

Aug. 28th, 2012 | 02:22 am

hahahah omg guys i was SOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong about this guy.

he is by far the biggest arsehole out of all them.

so we havent been talking for like two weeks. he has been avoiding me. because we slept together once after we broke up and he freaked out and dissapeared. so anyways i text him today and i say "so you shouldn't avoid me right coz at the very least i wanna be your friend" and he is like "i havent been" and i'm like "okay, you just haven't gone out of your way to talk to me" so he sais "okay i will"

then he comes online later. and its a relatively normal conversation and i joke about going to the mines to become a lesbian miner and he sais just work in the strip club instead. and i sort of joke it off saying strippers are too talkative. if it was just getting naked no worries but i dont wanna have to talk to people.

and anyways he uses this as an opportunity to ask me. if ali and myself want to earn some money. and i brush him off not liking the sound of it and successfully evade hearing about it for a little while. and i start talking about the weekend.

he brings the topic back to what he wanted to talk about. he sais that if i wanna make some money maybe i could put on a show in his lounge room. for him and a few mates.

and i flip my shit. i aint even joking. because dafuq. "oh hey. you're a nice chick and everything not so keen hey (even though i lead you on and got into a relationship with you i didnt have the fucking balls to end) but you wanna get naked for me and my friends maybe? i'll give ya monies"

that shit is not okay
and he tries to pass it off as a joke
and i tell him even if it is a joke that shit isnt okay.

i tell him he oughta be carefull because he risks turning into a complete arsehole. and then i say maybe he should just keep going that way it'll make it easier to move on

and he is like awww kim don't be like that. i'm not a bad guy really.

and i list the evidence that suggests otherwise. and the way he has fucked me around. and how what he just said implies if his behaviour hasnt already that i'm only good for him for sex.

in response to me calling him out on fudging a relationship with me he tells me he "didn't even remember what his response was" when i asked him out. DAFUQ.

and i'm soooo upset. so upset. because i fucking really liked this guy. and my opinion of him was so good. and i stood up for him time and time again and i can't believe how incredibly wrong i was.

he told me he onnly got involved with me because i made it clear i wasnt after a relationship and that was cool.

i could have sworn at the begining he liked me. i would bet on it.

i dont known what the fuck has happened to him in such a short period of time but he really turned into an arsehole

and THEN. then he said.

"look, i don't really wan't to deal with this nonsense. let's just be friends okay"

to which i told him to get fucked i had no interest in being friends with him,.

GO SUCK MY DICK ARSEHOLE. i wasted TWO FUCKING MONTHS crying over someone who doesnt exsist.

i should thank him at least because this whole time i thought it was me. and i kept making excuses for him and i couldnt move on. at least now i can be angry about it instead of fucking sad.

i tell you what i'd do oliver again 16 times over. at least he was upfront about being an arsehole from the begining. this guy fucked me over the worst. because he pretended to be so nice. and pretended to be really interested. and like he liked me and accepted me how i was and that he wouldnt hurt me


i hope to god he was originally a nice guy and it wasnt all just an act i really do. because the person i thought he was is amazing. this guy is a fucking twat. and i don't want to believe they are the same person.

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(no subject)

Aug. 10th, 2012 | 02:39 pm

so this week has been hard.

i havent been eating or sleeping properly and i'll admit there are nights i've been up until 6am just crying like a retard. it hurts when you like someone and it doesnt work out. it hurts all the more because this is a constant thing for me. seems every guy i like is not going to be able to give back what i'm willing to put in. probably my tastes are just screwed

anyways at least this guy when he saw he was hurting me he cut things off before it could go too far. i'm gratefull for that i guess because its my habit to cling onto things long dead and hurt myself even more.

i wish only the best for him honestly. if i could get him to come back to me i would in an instant. he is a very special person to me and there aren't many people like him even left in the world

the thing is i only started to get any clarity on this situation the other night when i was sleeping. up until then i had just been focusing on how hurt i was that it's so impossible any guy would want me. but then when i was sleeping i had a revelation. and somehow it made everything easier. because it answered alot of questions. i had been assuming it was something i did that pushed him away. i'm now pretty sure it wasn't which is a huge relief. i don't want to be sabotaging myself

his behaviour changed after his first trip to melbourne. it was only during the second trip to melbourne that i even realised his ex girlfriend lived there.

he is still so hopelessly in love with her. he told me he can't be in a relationship with me right now because he isnt ready and is scared of getting hurt. in my opinion its more that he can't let go of the past and is still hung up on her.

it sucks being in competition with someone who isnt even in the picture anymore but how can i beat 6 years history?

i hope that he either moves on soon and realises he is missing opportunitys being so caught up on something that is finished or that he mans the fuck up and chases her to get her back. if you really want something you fight for it. if he really wants her he should fight for her

and it would suck seeing them happy together i'm not going to lie. but it's better then him going on to make more girls unhappy. better that i'm unhappy alone.

i really need to try and stop getting so involved with these guys that ultimately aren't that involved with me. i don't doubt they all liked me. just not the same way i liked them. i want someone who thinks that i'm worth fighting for and they count their blessings that they have me. thats what i want. and i need to stop pretending i have it when i don't

but please for the love of god dont let this happen again. i can't deal with this sort of situation over and over again. for once i would just like a normal relationship. that's all.

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(no subject)

Aug. 4th, 2012 | 11:21 pm

we broke up.

i really feel like having the guy i like actually like me back is an impossible dream.

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(no subject)

Jul. 26th, 2012 | 11:17 pm

so. he is going to melbourne tommorrow. i was a little dissapointed and sort of wish he has of invited me, but then i was like well last time he went down with his mates like probably they wouldn't appreciate a girl tagging along.

but then i find out his ex girlfriend of like 6 years is going with him.

sort of sucks hey.

i'm so stupid.

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(no subject)

Jul. 18th, 2012 | 11:28 pm

i wish i knew how normal people functioned. so that i had some sort of comparison to go by. so that i could tell if it was me being crazy or if there was something wrong. because not knowing makes me feel even more insecure.

i think the mistake i made was thinking that another person is capable of filling the loneliness. i think probably i'm always going to feel alone regardless of how many people are in my life and around me. i think its just my natural state of being.

its so sad and desperate the way i feel though. so insecure about everything.

to the point im not even sure i'm allowed to call him my boyfriend. to the point i'm not sure if he even considers me his girlfriend.

i asked him to be my boyfriend. and he agreed. and yet i feel one day he is going to deny it. someone will ask and he will say no. i feel like he hasnt told any of his friends. and i feel nothing has changed. if anything things have been worse since we started dating then they were before.

i just would like someone to like me as much as i like them. that's all.

and i thought i finally had someone who did. and now im not sure. im not sure about anything. nothing is as simple as it was supposed to be.

the thing is we don't seem to have as much contact as i would like or as i would assume most people in relationships (especially new ones) would have. i dont really understand though.

when i asked him out everything was fine. it was good and i was happy and i felt so ridiculously mooshy i was even making myself sick. he went to melbourne for the weekend and i missed him even though it was such a short period of time but he would text me so much and saying such nice things that it didnt seem like a huge deal. he would text me without me texting him just to tell me he smelt something that reminded him of me or just something ridiculously nice like that. then he comes back to canberra and i dunno suddenly he isnt texting so much anymore and when we talk on fb chat it seems sort of strained. like i feel like he would probably find it easier talking to somebody else. there was one night in particular where he sort of stopped talking to me. said goodnight and then he stayed up an extra 15 minutes talking to my friend about his spank bank instead of talking to me. and it doesnt help he has cracked onto her before.

then i dunno we talked a few times after that but not much. there was probably a day or two without contact which makes me sad. and the thing is i will text him. i will ask a question. and still no contact you know. like its not always necessary to reply to a text i understand that and i make allowances but he has texted me about less before. i dunno it feels like if he wanted to talk to me he would take what opportunitys he could because i text him simply because im thinking about him because i want to talk to him. friday night i tried to convince him to come out and he was like i'm thinking about it but then decided not to and that was dissapointing but yeah he had work the next morning. i asked him if maybe he would have dinner or something instead and just be sober and go home early and he said another night would be better. i felt pretty sad about that. i just wanted to spend time with him. but okay. another night.

the weekend was his birthday. and i was so excited for it, and i kept asking him during the week what he wanted to do and making sure he knew i was interested in being involved in whatever he decided to do. i was really excited for it. i thought so hard about what to get him for his birthday. i didnt want to freak him out by getting him anything too big so i made him some heart shaped chocolates filled with weed (#wifematerial). the night before i had been out and actually didnt get to go to sleep until 1pm on the saturday. i woke up at 5pm thinking oh shit better find out whats happening so that i can get ready if i have to incase he is doing predrinks or something. i texted him and asked him what the plan was. fell back asleep. woke up at 8pm. feeling like shit. tired and generally not feeling very well. sad because he hadnt texted back at all. i knew he would have seen my message because it was obvious he had been organising things with his friends. saw on fb they were all meeting up at 7 for pre drinks. no kim invited. i felt really sad about that and cried before i even made it out of my house. i was in no mood to go out but i didnt want to wreck his night just because im an insecure little bitch. plus i figure maybe he just wants guy time and i dont want to be that bitch that comes along and suddenly you cant do anything with your friends again you know.

so i went out at 10pm. i had no idea what time him and his friends would make it into town and i had a suspicion they would probably get so trashed up and not rock up until the early morning anyways because they are really distractable when they get that wasted. so i met a friend in town and we went and sat in her car and i drank a bottle of sake and basically waited until i thought possibly they might be heading into town. i texted at 1am saying happy birthday. 2:30am he texts me to ask me where i am. 2:30am he finally thinks "oh where is kim?"

so i go to meet him with my friend and he doesnt seem overly interested. usually when we are out he will dance with me and want to hug me and stuff like that. i got a rushed introduction to some chick who had been predrinking with them and that was like a kick in the balls to my "boy time" theory. i keep hugging him and telling him happy birthday but i dunno its not like normal. he doesnt seem overly affectionate. i dance next to him and doesnt really make any move to pull me to dance with him.

i go with my friend to another bar to check it out and oliver is there. he starts making excuses as to why he didnt tell me he was going to be out and i dont actually care and im confused about why he is bothering anyways. we never organised to meet out. he asks me whats new and i told him i got fired from my job which sucked but i had a boyfriend now. he asks me who and i tell him and he starts joking like "i'd love to meet her" and i'm just like you're and arsehole. thats his way of belittling him because he doesnt like it when he looses out on something even if he doesnt want it in the first place. so i sort of just walk away. this all happens in about ten minutes and i go back to clubhouse coz all i wanna do is see my boy and get some attention off him. i go back and he isnt there at all.

i have no idea where he is.

and he probably dissapeared for a grand total of 30 minutes but it made me feel like shit. i was worried he just left with his mates to continue partying elsewhere and just didnt even bother to say anything to me even though i came specifically to see him. one of my friends who i hadnt seen in ages comes and sits next to me and asks me how my night is going. i say average. he asks why. i say i lost my boyfriend somehow. and im getting upset and this point. and he is like "oh you have a boyfriend now! well congratulations." then he sees i'm getting upset and is like "maybe not?" and i burst into tears. and its dumb. its a complete over reaction but im completely wrecked. to be honest i assume the worst because its what im used to. the guys ive been involved with this sort of thing is normal. thats the only comparisons of behaviour i have to go by and i know its not fair to compare them but thats what ive learnt and its hard to forget how people have treated you. i dont know how to get past that.

my boy comes back and i dunno spends another hour sort of ignoring my existance even though i will stop him occasionally for a hug or whatever. finally a dj comes on he doesnt like and he takes me up the back to sit down. and we make out a little bit. he doesnt really like the music so he suggests leaving. and im tired so i agree.

we go back to his house. have loads of sex. and i mean loads. ive never had so much sex in that period of time but yeah thats what happened. i gave him the chocolates nad he liked them. the next day his actual birthday i'm there all day because we are still having all that sex. and it's nice lying in bed with him all day. at around 6pm we get up and go eat dinner at a japanese restraunt and thats nice. then he takes me home. and i say thankyou for wasting his birthday with me.

and i fee a bit better he wasted his birthday with me. it makes me sort of think maybe i was overreacting about being ignored all week. but then at the same time i'm like... maybe this is all just about sex. i only see him on the weekends. we go out drinking. we go home have sex. i feel like when we were just friends and we werent having sex he was more interested in spending time with me. wanted to hang out with me and my friends. all that sort of stuff. and this is one of those stupid comparisons. because once again the only guys who have been interested in me have been interested in me for sex. but he said he liked me right. i should be confident in that.

then monday i ask him to see a movie on tuesday he sais he is already going with his mates. fine. once again dont want to wreck his fun with his mates but at the same time it makes me a little sad he doesnt ask me to go. text him tuesday night because i havent heard from him at all and ask how the movie was. no reply. no messages at all today either. and the thing is i dont want to message him again that would be like the third text from me in a row i dont want to be harrassing him

its so dumb and i think i am overreacting. but from what i have seen from the normal people they try and spend time together. im too scared to even ask him to do something at this point i feel like i'll be knocked back. predrinks at mine this weekend with my mates and he still hasnt even committed to commming to that. sort of like he is waiting for something better to come along or something. i donno.

the thing is. this guy really did like me. so much. and i think i fucked it up somehow along the way. i think if when he first told me he liked me if i had of gone along with it and just ignored the fact i was still hung up on oliver there would be no problem at all. but everything got fucked up.

i just with i could see what was going on in his head because he is a really simple guy and probably its just thoughtlessness and he doesnt even realise how he makes me feel but at the same time if i knew for sure he liked me. that he was happy i was his girlfriend. that would make all the difference. im just so scared to ask though because im worried i will scare him away.

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(no subject)

Jul. 9th, 2012 | 11:57 pm

so things have changed alot for me.

i havent really had alot to do with that boy for some time now. i think the last time i saw him was about a month ago breifly and i was easily able to knock back his advances and just enjoy his company as a friend. the thing is i just don't see him very much at all. i think that's the nicest thing he ever did for me. stepping back out of my life for a while. because its alot easier to forget why you like someone when they aren't around to remind you all the time

i still feel some amount of sadness about it. i mean i really loved him. but i also mainly just feel bad for him because nothing is ever going to change for him and he is going to make so many more girls cry. i don't think he is capable of making another person happy unless he changes completely.

i now have a boyfriend. i met him 3 months ago one of the nights that boy was supposed to come out and meet me and just didn't bother to show up. that's also something good thats come out of this. he is the same guy that hooked up with sonia which does bother me to an extent but i think we mostly worked that out. i dont think he thought it through really and didn't realise how much it would hurt me. he isnt the smartest guy but he is a really good guy regardless. also that situation was not so simple because he basically told me he liked me and i rejected him and after that he hooked up with sonia and i think that had a lot to do with it. if i hadnt been so unsure about my feelings i think he wouldnt have done that. honestly he went a bit off the rails for a while after i rejected him. lost his job and started partying much harder. he has changed alot in just the short time i've known him.

i was glad to sort things out with him though because i only realised how much i liked him when i thought i was going to loose him. and also originally i was really scared that i would hurt him because he was such a nice guy so when it was him who ended up hurting me i was alot more comfortable. because thats what i'm used to. it sounds stupid but i didnt think i could handle a situation where i was with someone who was a much better human being then i am.

we have only just started going out. i asked him because i figured the odds of him asking again when i had rejected him already were really low and i didnt want a repeat of the incident with sonia where i was only interested in him and he was hooking up with other girls. i told him i liked him. and he told me that he reaaaalllly liked me. and then i said "if i asked you to be my boyfriend would you?" and he said "are you asking me?" and basically it went like that.

i asked him if he was sure. 6 times at least. he told me he was. but still i'm just not convinced. it seems impossible to me that the person i like could actually like me in return. so i'm filled with insecurity. i want to talk to him all the time and when he isnt talking to me i assume it's because i'm boring and not interesting. i'm really worried that he said yes to avoid an awkward situation where i would end up crying and making a scene because he rejected me. and its stupid. because when i'm there with him i feel alot better. like it's obvious he likes me when i'm there. his eyes follow me and whenever he sees me it's like he is looking at me for the first time. he tells me i'm beautiful and shows me off to his friends. he is so considerate and affectionate.

last weekend dean tried to make peace with me. he is the bastard that completely fucked me over while i was friends with sonia. he said that he was sorry about everything. not just the way he spoke to me after me and sonia stopped being friends but the way he treated me the entire time. i told him not to worry about it but it was obvious i was bothered and didnt want anything to do with him or sonia. its awkward though because one of my friends is good friends with dean so its awkward being so unfriendly with someone who is around your group alot. i basically told him in the past already that i wasnt going to be hostile towards him but i didnt want anything to do with him. it really annoys me though that he is apologising in order to feel better about himself and the bad things he has done. to feel like a good person. and its not about me at all. i never hated myself until i met him and let him treat me the way he did. if he really gave a shit about my feelings he would leave me alone completely. thats what he would do if he really felt sorry. then he invited us all round to his afterwards and i was like no. i got up and left and it really really bothered me. i just want these people to leave me alone because everytime they approach me i feel everything all over again. i remember everything and i feel like a worthless disgusting person and i dont like that.

so i was upset and i drank alot. a very lot.
then my boy was supposed to meet me in town and he didn't show up on time and i had a total melt down. because i'm used to situations where the boy just never bothers to show up. and its so stupid but i relived every time i had been stood up and dissapointed by the last two guys i liked so much and i couldnt handle it. i assumed he didnt like me and wouldnt bother to show up. my friends dissapeared. i walked around looking for anyone i knew because i felt so alone and and i saw this girl i know but certianly not well enough to create the scene i did. she asked me what i was doing and i said i was looking for my friends and she could see i was upset so she took me to one of my friends chris and the second i saw him i burst into tears and started hugging him. i think he was totally not prepared for this situation because i'm not an overly emotional person. he was trying to figure out what was wrong and i was so upset i was crying hysterically and people were asking me what the problem was and i honestly cant even remember what i was saying i think i was telling them not to worry about it and they were getting annoyed because i was obviously so upset. chris asked if it was because my boy wasnt there and i dont know what i said but i think he understood that was why. i couldnt even really stay concious. next thing i know chris has found my boy and brought him to me and he is totally trashed and really confused at to why i'm upset but at this point it doesnt matter that he is here because i am so beyond upset i feel like it's impossible for me to ever be happy again. so i just keep crying and he is hugging me and asking why im so sad and im just shaking my head and keep on crying. i start sort of passing out so he takes me outside for some fresh air and i sort of sit there on the cold cement and keep on crying like a maniac and occasionally wretching. everytime i would pull away from him he would pull me back and he just sat with me for ages while i cried. he then started apologising. i dont even think he knew i was upset because he was late just kept telling me he was stupid and he didnt mean to hurt me. and i just kept on crying. i was a total mess.

we went back upstairs and i lost him somehow. he was pretty fucked and god knows i was but still it bothered me to be alone. some american girl came and sat with me and scared away some arseholes who were trying to creep onto me and then her friends found my boy and brought him back to me. we went back outside and he took me home to his place gave me a shirt to wear and just hugged me until i went to sleep.

the next day we didnt really talk about it except i told him that i had spoken to dean. sucked though because i wrecked the night for both of us but i couldnt even begin to describe the despair i was feeling. i honestly felt like i would never be happy again. and its so lucky he knew to pull me back towards him every time i pulled away or im not sure i would have been able to get past it. and its a good thing he took me home with him because if i had of woken up the next morning alone that mood would have continued through. the next day he made me feel alot happier. i felt really lucky.

i just dont know how to not be this retarded and insecure. he is quiet an affectionate guy so its not like he isnt doing enough or whatever i just doubt everything and i dont know how to stop. i'm so scared of investing too much and being hurt. he said when i asked him out "i thought you didnt do boyfriends" and i said "i dont" and its true. because the guys i liked havent been worth dating but obviously the way i have been in the past hasnt been working for me so i thought if it was worth taking a risk with anyone it was worth taking a risk with this guy.

hopefully when i see him this weekend i wont be so sad anymore. i feel like it will all be alot smoother in person. i just dont want to be the one in this relationship that needs the other more. i need to be truely loved by someone.

it's stupid because right now i should be so happy. because i am so lucky. but i just keep thinking about what could go wrong instead.

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(no subject)

Jun. 1st, 2012 | 12:06 am

i wanna scream and destroy everything.

and its so bad because i always doubt that im entitled to feel this way. like am i over reacting? this sort of shit just keeps happening so maybe its normal? maybe im the one who is being fucking retarded.

but i know its not right. and it just fucking eats away at me.

i really didn't want to hate her at the begining. and even now i can remember how nice she was. but i really honestly believe there is something wrong with her head. like i think something snapped at some point and she went off the rails and thats why she is a crazy fucking slut now.

so basically in regards to that boy there have been several arguments since and blah blah we stopped being friends a couple of times and now we are back to talking but thats where i'm keeping it because he is no good.

and the other night he came to see me for the first time in ages. sits down with me at the club and we are talking and sonia comes up and sits on his other side
im not in any way shape or form talking to her so i just switch my convo to the person on the other side of me.

anyways so she is telling oliver how much she wants to be friends with me

she has been doig this little trick for about a month now. approaching everyone i know and telling them she wants to be friends with me and acting like im the unreasonable one not forgiving her. she hates the fact im more popular then her now and i have awesome friends and one of them is her ex boyfriend and she can't stand it. so she has been approaching them all.

and a couple of weeks ago i was really upset about this and started crying while i was out because i was so worried she would steal everything from me that i've tried to hard to built after being left on my own. like i worked fucking hard to change everything, i had to become a more sociable more friendly person and put alot of effort into becoming this person that everyone likes and it feels so fragile like if they find out im a horrible person bam it'll just dissapear and thats what she is trying to do.

so i was upset. and i went home early.

anyways back to her talking to this boy. i find this HILLARIOUS. because the frist time she talked to him it was because she saw us making out and she told him he should stay away because im a crazy bitch now she is trying to convince him that she wants to be my friend!

anyways so then the dumb bitch just grabs his face and starts making out with him. yeah sure you wanna be my friend slut and thats how you go about it.

anyways i was pissed off but whatever. they are both relatively shit people. i have no standards for either of them. i was annoyed but i expect nothing less from people like that.

i have not even spoken to this bitch for 6 months. 6 months and she cant leave me the fuck alone already.

sooooo. over the past month i met a new boy. who is younger which was a concern. and so nice i was worried about really hurting him because i was still hung up on that other arsehole. i could have sworn he genuinely liked me and i spent so much time worrying about leading him on or loosing his attention or making him unhappy or whatever. and i was willing to overlook alot of things like the fact i didnt think he would ever be able to understand my emotional state. but whatever he was a nice boy and the sort of boy who treats girls right and doesnt like to hurt people. the sort of guy who will step in if someone is being mean to a girl or tell you you are beautiful for no reason at all.

that sort of guy

and i was like wow. i dont think i can trust myself on this you know like you cant just like one guy so much and switch to another. so i resisted it and took it real slow and explained the situation to him so that he wouldnt be hurt.

he really liked me. i could swear on it. and i thought maybe he was the sort of guy who could actually make me feel like i was loved for once. the sort of guy who would treasure me and not treat me like crap.

when i first met him sonia saw us kissing. and i was like ... ugh... i bet she will do something. and i joked to him. i said watch out sonia will probably introduce herself now.

and he didn't get it. i explained and he didnt get it

later on he asked me what the deal with sonia and me was properly and i tried my best to explain and he still didnt get it but he could tell i was getting upset talking about it.

then that night when i was really upset and left early he dissapeared with her for a while and i knew she was giving him the whole talk about how she wanted to be my friend and it had me really worried. so i explained to him again the next day. i told him some of the stuff she did to me and i think he understood then why i didn't want to be her friend. but i still dont think he understood what a horrible person she was.

and it hurt that he couldnt understand and couldnt believe me but i did what i could and described as best i could and thats fine. i cant tell someone who they can or cannot be friends with. so i just avoided being around the two of them when they were talking or whatever. and i thought he is a good boy he knows to keep himself out of trouble it'll be fine he likes me more surely.

and like continued as normal. he took me on a date and it was nice and we hung out a few times and texted alot of i met his brothers and blah blah. it was all pretty nice. life as usual.

and then one of my friends told me to be carefull in regards to him. and i was like what? why?
and they told me it was because they had seen him with sonia.

and i was like oh thats fine. they are just friends no worries. im not worried she will turn him against me.

and then they told me they saw them hooking up.

while we were seeing each other.

the only time i can even imagine this happened is the night i left early because i was upset.

and she used this opportunity to seduce him and he like an idiot just went and sabotaged himself by going along with it.

and it really really hurt. it hurt so much.

and i asked him. i said. so i hear you are keen on sonia? and he is like "what the heck are you talking about?!?"

and i'm like "i just heard you guys hooked up. its cool whatever"

and he is like " wait who is sonia again"

and i'm like "....seriously" (he knows i know they are friends)

and he is like.

"sooooo whats new hey kimmy"

and im like


but i say.

"wow. seriously look. its okay if you hooked up with her. we werent going out or anything and sonia is a slut, it sais more about her then it does about you. but what you did just then was really balls hey"

and he is like

"ahhhh crap"
"so the gong hey"

at this point i just cannot believe he wont even talk to me about it at all. wont even say anything

and i say

"look don't bother hey. you are a really nice guy and shit but i misjudged you. maybe just cool it for a while"

then he said

"woah kim just kill out"

and thats the whole thing. ha. pathetic.

coward. im sick of these cowards.

and he has made no effort at all to try and fix things. no effort to talk to me. nothing. and i could hav sworn he really liked me. and when he told me he liked me i was so worried and i told him that i didnt want to hurt him and i said if he saw me making out with another guy would it make him upset. and he said he wouldnt like it. and i told him i wouldnt do that. im not like that. and shit it seems like im the dumbarse all along.

you know before i met him i had these grand visions of just becoming a player and having a miriad of guys after me because i was sick of guys i thought they were arseholes and i feel like thats what they do to me. and then i met him and i couldnt do it. i didnt even so much as talk to another guy. because i was so worried about his feelings.

and it seems like mine werent considered at all

and it just fucking sucks that no one ever thinks its worth explaining to me why im not good enough. why i cant make them happy. why im not someone who is able to be loved. they alawys just run away at the first sign of any sort of issue. and they never even bother to tell me why.

and that bitch that stupid fucking slut. god i cannot explain the way i hate her. and how she FORCED me to hate her this way which makes it worse. i tried so hard to fix things with her and everything she has done since has just been with the intention of hurting me as much as possible.

she turned the guy i was sleeping with for 6 months against me when we stopped being friends. she tried to fuck things up with that boy that im stupidly fucking obsessed with and now she totally did fuck things up for me and this new guy and i just know this isnt going to stop. its never going to stop

and i have not so much as spoken to her for six months. even when she was approaching my friends i just left her alone

im going to start standing up for myself though. im going to tell people exactly what she has done instead of telling them not to get involved. when she approaches my friends im going to ask her very nicely to fuck off and if she still keeps fucking my life up i swear to god im going to smack that bitch down. i dont deserve this shit and me ignoring it isnt making it stop. she is going to wreck anything potentially good in my life for whatever fucking reasons he has.

i hate her so much.

i just want someone to tell me how to fix everything.

how to i get all these fucking toxic people out of my life and how can i tell when i think they are all so nice at the begining. why do i deserve this shit over and over and over agian. i cant fucking deal with humans. its so hard.

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(no subject)

Apr. 23rd, 2012 | 11:21 pm

im such an empty person. i couldn't even explain...

so the other night i was trying to solve a friends problem. a guy that wasn't serious about her wanted to get her involved in a friends with benefits relationship and this attention was unwanted on her part. i know the guy too so i stepped in and said something to him about it and told him it wasnt fair. he tried to convince me it was fine and that it was a perfectly acceptable scenario and he was confident he would be able to change her mind. so i went about convincing him to leave her alone because thats the last thing she needs right now.

so i told him about how in my experience these things dont work. first about dean and how emotionally abusive he was despite me never doing anything or asking anything from him at any point. then about oliver and everything that has happened between us. eventually i was able to convince him but talking about everything and having an outsider sit there and tell me that i was being treated badly made me really think. and get really depressed.

the situation was so stupid. i was the only one getting upset. and when i brought it up a couple of weeks ago he told me i was important and he wanted me in his life. but then made no effort to keep me around. blew me off not one but three times. first time he was busy. second time he wasnt in town. third time he just didnt show up right. this is all in the period of a week. three strikes you are out.

i couldnt bear thinking about him all the time. it hurt too much. i deleted him from fb. sent him a text message explaining that the way i was being treated was fucking me up and i wasnt going to waste time on someone who didn't care about me. i told him that i believed he could be an awesome person but the way he acted was wrong. ignoring me. making decisions about my feelings without even discussing it with me. blowing me off all the time. telling me he wanted me around when he didnt. telling me i was important then avoiding me. i was basically really honest about what i felt but said ultimately i didn't want him around anymore and that if he saw me out could be please not approach me. pretend he didn't see me and just let me move on. and that from now i would be investing my time in looking for someone who actually thought i was the world.

so. 5 essay length text messages later at 5am in the morning i gave up on me and oliver.

i secretly still hoped he would tell me it was a mistake i guess and that i was important.

but a week passed and he never even replied.

couldnt even reply. coward.

so i just let it go. i still thought about him alot but i did not contact him. i made an effort to talk to other boys and i met one who thinks im amazing and wonderfull. but he isn't oliver. and i feel like a bad person leading him on when im so in love with someone else.

anyways.the complication.

i went out on friday night. oliver was at the same bar as me. don't know if he saw me assume he probably did but left like a good boy without approaching me and that was fine i was having a great time i didn't want that issue hanging over my night. so later in the night me and ali are sitting with some boy we just met and i'm talking to him and oliver comes over...

smiles and sais hi, how am i going...?

i'm pissed off and confused and sad. i look at him and say hi. wave and then turn around and continue my conversation with le boy.

he leaves for about ten minutes then comes back and sits on the other side of ali. i concentrate on this conversation im having with this boy and just ignore his precence. im annoyed because he is supposed to be avoiding me but he comes up like everyhting is fine and he didnt just ignore my text messages and he didnt just ignore everything that ever happened.

so he is talking to ali while im talking to this boy and she is telling him basically to fuck off because all he is going to do is hurt me and i dont need people like him around. he is defending himself saying that he just wants to talk to me. doesn't want to leave things the way they are. she tells him she thinks he is full of shit and brings up the fact he didnt even bother to respond to my messages. and he is like i was thinking about it. he goes on trying to convince her that im important and he isnt just trying to fuck things up. meanwhile im chatting away with le boy and exchanging fb details and what not. he is watching and sais to ali he feels like he is interrupting and she is like yeah you kind of are hey so why don't you fuck off.

and he gets up and leaves...

and i rage. i rage about the fact he doesn't even have the decency to avoid me like i asked him. pissed off about the fact that even when im trying to get over him he won't even allow me that. he doesnt want me around but he still can't let me go.

the rest of the night im proud of myself and the fact i didnt just cave to his bs.

and i expect he will have taken the hint and left me alone.

he texted me the next day. two essay length texts about how he is a bad person and he is sorry for hurting me and that he was avoiding it because he didn't want to deal with the fact he was hurting me. he sais he is sorry because he had countless opportunities to drop it and didn't take them because he didn't want to loose me. that in ten years time he still wants me to be around. that seeing me out and me ignoring him made him really hurt because he was used to situations like that and usually he just moved on to the next person but he couldnt do that with me.

he sais that he was scared by the fact that i can see through all the bullshit he puts out there. and the fact that i can see parts of him that no one else has seen.he sais he is scared to "commit to a feeling" then he sais he has "realised i don't want to keep running away from things" and that nothing will happen if he doesnt just give it a shot. and that he is sorry for making me feel like nothing because im beautiful and intelligent and a great addition to anyones life.

and im sad. and pissed off. because he is being selfish. its all just words. always words. sais the things he knows i want to hear to keep me hanging then does nothing about them ever.

i leave it for several hours and he tries to call a few times but i hang up straight away. but i just cant help myself and i text back and tell him he is selfish and that his words didn't solve anything because all he ever did was talk and never act upon anything. i told him the only reason he was putting this effort in is because im the only one who didn't think he was a bad person and now i'm begining to and he didn't like that. he just didn't want to be ignored. he didnt want to feel bad. but thats is exactly what he has been doing to me. ignoring me. making me feel bad.

i told him he was an arsehole for approaching me in the first place and the least he could do is give me the space to get over him since he didnt even want me around in the first place. i said that having him around would only make me sad and that i was sick of thinking about him and sick of being used by people who dont care about me.

i also said that if he hadn't seen me out he wouldnt have bothered even talking to me in the first place and that said alot.

so im back to being sad.

because im right. and it sucks.

he replies feeling really bad and defensive. tells me he never apologises to anyone and he is just trying to make things right and i shouldnt throw it back in his face. he didnt reply to my text because he was putting off dealing with the situation and seeing me again made him get around to it (like its not a priority arsehole). then he gets all depressed and starts talking about how i shouldnt let people treat me the way he has. he goes on about how depressed he is about loosing me. he sais he knows he makes me feel bad and thats part of the reason he avoids me because he doesnt like seeing me hurting. he sais i should cut him out of my life but he really doesnt want that. he doesnt want to loose me.

after reading all that i still feel annoyed but i feel really sad too. because i love this guy, i really do. and he does honestly think he is a bad person and if he cant stop doing that nothing will ever change for him ever. plus it is really out of character for him to chase after someone like this. but im really confused. and i dont know if i can trust it because last time he was just so full of shit. and i dont even know what all this means. what does this mean. does he want to be friends again. what does that mean to him. i know how he treats his friends and its not the way i treat my friends. sure they like him and he likes them but there is no depth there. he is a popular guy but he doesnt have alot of close friends. i think he knows how i feel about him obviously this isnt going to work. he isnt going to stop sleeping around. i cant see how this wont end up hurting me.

so i leave it.

and i dwell on it and try to think of what is the right thing to do. im sick of being hurt but im just so scared of loosing an opportunity when i feel this way about him. like im worried if i walk away i will never know what could have been but im worried if i stay ill just end up hating him completely and i dont want that either. i dont want to be sad.

the next day in the afternoon i reply to his message. i tell him that im scared of getting hurt by him again and im worried that he isnt serious. i tell him im worried ill open myself up again and he will just ignore me and it will be the same scenario over and over again. i tell him ultimately i think its a bad idea and nothing good would come of it but i was conflicted because it's not like me to walk away from something important. things should not be this complicated.

he replies that things have just gotten out of hand and at the end of the day there are people he does not care if he never see's again but i am not one of them.he sais he doesnt see why we shouldnt be friends even though generally speaking he isnt a very good one. obviously i need to keep my best interests in mind but at the very least he would still like to be able to speak to me.

im amused by the fact he doesnt see why we shouldnt be friends but everyone else can see the way he treats me is disrespectfull.

i sort of want to just leave it because thinking about it is just making me feel like i have no feelings on anything at all. like nothing is important.

i think about it for another day. eventually i come to a resolution that if its supposed to work it will. something will show me that it will.

so i text him back and i tell him that i can't promise anything and that if i start getting hurt again i'm just going to dissapear.that what i could do was stop ignoring him and that im willing to try and put this behind me but i wasnt sure it was best for either of us. i said that more then anything i want to be happy but i want him to be happy too and im not sure me being around if going to make either of us happy. i told him to be honest with me and don't tell me he wants me around if he doesnt. and that he didnt get to decide when i was too attached. and i told him i dont make casual friends. the friends i have i expect alot from them and that if any of them treated me the way he did it would be really serious like they hated me or something and thats why it upset me so much.

he replies and asks if i can send the message again because he had 3g off.

i do.

no reply. its been more then 24 hours. im not sure he will bother.

is this the sign that i should just stick to my guns.

so here i am thinking and thinking and thinking. and i'll probably run into him tommorrow night and i dont know how im supposed to act. i dont think i can just smile at him and hug him like its no problem at all. i think if he brings it up and attempts to talk about it maybe everything will be okay and we can work on it. if he ignores it he probably hasn't learnt anything at all and i should just back away.

i still havent added him on fb. i dont want to see his face floating all around distracting me and making me feel useless.

reading this i would smash my head into the screen and tell myself what an idiot i was for faling for the same trick over and over again.

but being in this situation is just different. all i feel is empty and sad. i dont even know if love can make up for that. but i can't let this go. i really want to but i cant
you cant just forget someone when they are a huge part of you. i dont even know how he became so important but i feel like ill never be happy again without him. like its all just so fake and im throwing myself into pointless things.

everything is pointless.

i dont know what to do. i really dont. i want him to come to me and reassure me and hug me and tell me that im right to feel this scared and lonely and angry and sad and that he wont leave me again and he wont hurt me again and that everything will be fine.

impossible. and that. thats probably answer enough.

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(no subject)

Apr. 10th, 2012 | 12:10 am


you are punishing both of us. i know it freaks you out how i can see through this persona you have built up for yourself

but you NEED me
you need someone like me who likes you for who you are and not who you pretend to be.

who will stick by you and not give up on you even though you act like a fucking dick

but you are making it so hard. and i'm sick of crying over you all the time. im sick of being the one that has to hurt because you are too scared to face up to it.

i know you are avoiding me because you are worried about getting too attached. you tell me its because i'm too attched and you dont want to hurt me but the thing is i know its because you got scared when i told you all this stuff about yourself that you didn't think anyone else could see. that freaked you out.

but i promise i could make you happy. and i dont ask for anything more then a little bit of attention. but im sick of begging for it.

i told you if you wan't me in your life you need to make me apart of it because i was sick of fighting for a place. and you tell me you do. but you take me for granted. you think im going to hang around while you get your shit together and try to ignore what is going on. i can't do that. i wish i could just hate you. because it would make it so much easier.

but i understand exactly why you are the way you are and i want to help you. i think i could make you happy. but you won't let me. and you are digging yourself deeper and deeper into this mess you made

you think that by not spending time with me you are somehow making this easier for me. i love you if you are here and i love you if you aren't here. the only difference is it hurts alot more when you aren't. any attention you could give me would be enough for me. just treat me like im important to you. i dont expect you to change. i just expect you to start being honest.

how can i give up on you. you genuinely hate hurting people but you keep doing it over and over again. and you keep hurting yourself. and if i give up on you, you are going to take it as justification that you were right and you are a bad person. if i dont give up on you i'm going to keep crying. im going to keep chasing something that wont exist.

i worry the only time you will realise what i mean to you is when im gone and then it will be too late for both of us.

and shit is so fucked at the moment. so fucked. i don't even know how it got this fucked. and i hate that i'm so angry at you. why did you force me in this position. all i want is your company. to see you. to spend time with you. to be able to feel the way i do about you. i don't ask anything else. and you make it so so complicated. you are so worried about what might happen you are missing everything. i don't want to regret anything. i dont want to wake up oneday and think wow i really should have given it more effort. i CAN'T just stop feeling this way about you even though you do your best to convince me that i should. you treat me in a way that makes me think i'd be better off if i did.

i know you just want to protect yourself.

but you are such a fucking coward. such a coward

and i'm sick of hurting so much.

i'm sick of being scared of saying anything to you for fear you are going to run away and leave me alone. and im sorry i hurt you when im honest. im sorry i say all the things i shouldnt and that i can't ignore the things i am supposed to. it hurts so so much. but i am not scared. not of this. the only thing im scared of is loosing you

so why is it okay that it's me who has to live in fear too. why when we could so easily solve this together. i could help you and you could help me. and i would never ask anything more. i don't want to loose you but i can see you slipping away everyday. just a little bit further. you need to let me help you. i can't help you when you resist me. i can't be the person i need to be for you when you don't see me. i can't live the way i'm living. i'm a shell of a person. i need you and i don't even undertand how i came to need you so badly.

i dont understand how one person can make me so happy and so desperatly unhappy at the same time. when im with you i'm so happy. so so so so happy. and i know i can do that for you too. but when you pull away you forget about me. and i am so beyond sad i could not even explain. and im scared im going to do something stupid because of it. i have never been this dependant on another person for my happiness in my life.

how can i make you understand my feelings.

im scaring you away.

i hate it.

please come back. please. i'll help you and it won't be so scarey. you just need to let it be and stop worrying. you need to accept the way you feel and the way i feel and accept there is no changing it. it just is. please. i beg and i beg and i beg and it hurts me everytime because i keep getting rejected. and yet i keep begging. because you are worth fighting for even if you don't think so. and i see the emptiness. and i understand. i really do.


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(no subject)

Mar. 26th, 2012 | 10:04 pm

i miss him so much.i would think of me eve much as i though of him. i'm trying so hard to move on. i've deleted his phone number and everything. and it still just hurts so fucking bad. i feel so lonely. i go out and attempt to distract myself and meet new people but my thoughts just keep returning to him. and it sucks because i know he is out with other girls and not giving me a second thought. how can we go from talking everyday to seeing each other out and me avoiding him and him being nice but disinterested in me. fml.

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