wired_dolly

Talk to me baby

Tell me what you're feeling

You say you don't need to go

Don't you pretend you didn't know


how all of this would end up

Girl I saw it in your eyes

And baby I can read your mind

And expectations were not in sight




You knew that talking dirty to me on the floor would get me here

Cause we both wanted to do this but I could tell that you were scared

It's gonna end how you expected girl you're such a masochist and I ask why


And you reply... I like the thrill

Nothing's gonna make me feel this real

So baby don't go home

I don't wanna spend tonight alone


Baby please

Would you end your night with me

Don't you leave me
all behind

Don't you leave my little life

well i guess that's it.

i was thinking myself i better stop this before i get hurt. that this weekend would be the last time. and it seems he was thinking similarl because he talked to me last night.

he told me that basically we had been hanging out alot lately and it had been cool because neither of us stuck a label on it or anything. but that generally this point in the relationship is where he has to talk to the chicks and figure out what they are thinking because he doesn't want to lead anyone on when he feels pretty apathetic towards the whole thing.

i told him that it'd been fun but i would have to pull back when i got to attached because he was a player and i knew this from the begining and i didn't expect him to change.

it was a really weird conversation because it sounds bad.

but both of us were just being honest about how it is.

i think he is the type of guy who cant say no to a girl. he sees a girl he wants to sleep with her. it's pretty simple. problem is girls are never that easy. they always get attached.

the last couple of weeks it's been obvious to me he wouldnt be a good relationship. he knows every girl in canberra and everyone he has dated he isn't really on talking terms with. he cheated on one of his girlfriends too which sais alot in my opinion.

and the thing is i do really really like him. which is why i dont want to wake up one morning and hate him because he has hurt me. i dont want to keep hooking up with him and then be hurt when i see him hook up with someone else because he is going to.

he told me that he isn't happy about it because he thinks im amazing and beautiful but he is the guy who goes out with his friends and knows all the chicks and he has wrecked alot of his friendships with girls because they start to expect things off him.

i told him it was okay. i said the first time i met him i knew what he was like. i didn't come into this with expectations and that he shouldnt worry about it.

he didn't seem overly convinced and he kept trying to talk to me and was telling me that he was worried about hurting me because to him i'm the sort of girl that puts all of herself out there for people and then ends up getting hurt by them because i invest too much.

and its true
and i knew it would happen
which is why i knew this had to stop.

it's sad because he is amazing. but i need to stop back. i need to become less attached so when i see him out we can be friends. so that it doesn't hurt me when he is with another girl. so that i don't end up in a situation where i'm getting used by a guy again.

he is an awesome guy. i really like him. and it's really sad because i've never liked a guy this way in my whole life. but he just isn't any good and i can't change him and i don't want to change him.

it's so sad because he is so fun. so fun. he makes me feel so good. but i dont want to hate him. i really don't.
i just hope i can meet someone as amazing as him again. because i really don't think it's fair.

Im hiding in a bush and i wish i was dead.

i wish i knew what to do.

i' going to get myself hurt. this boy is a player. we are both having fun right now but i dont think i'm able to seperate my emotions and a good time. eventually something he does is going to really hurt me. i'm going to get real serious about him and he is going to hook up with other girls. i dunno.

i don't think im mature enough to deal with this situation especially given the past year. i know the smart thing to do would be to step back and just let it go now before shit goes to far. but i don't want to give him up. fuuuu.

i wish i could bottle this feeling.

so that when im filled with doubt, or insecurity, or loneliness, or anger, or sadness. i could just administer myself a dose of happiness and everything would be okay.

i feel like this boy was made for me.

im not 100% convinced he likes me the same. but last night when his friend asked him if i was his girl and he said yes i was filled with joy.

it doesn't mean much. we aren't in a relationship.

but this short time i've known him he has made me feel so good. and the only one who makes me feel bad is myself.

if i could make him like me the same i would be the happiest i've ever been i think.

i've never met someone so amazing.

i dunno i think i might be wrong again.

today one of my workmates from SGH came in and said hello to me in my new store.

we only talked for like 5 minutes but she told me i seem so much happier.

its amazing someone who doesn't even know me that well can tell i wasn't happy before but someone i was supposed to be really good friends with didn't know and didn't care.

you know what. i'm glad she said it though. because i am happier. so much happier. it's all been worth it.
the people i know make everything worth it.

i'm falling for this guy so hard its ridiculous. like i dont think i've ever liked anyone this much. usually i tell myself reasons why it wont work but with him i can't think of any.

so on sunday he changed his bus time so he could catch the bus home with me. we talked the whole way home and i wish the trip had of been longer. it went so fast. i didnt want him to go at the end of it.

then today he texted me and told me he wanted to take me out to the movies. so we went to the cinema but it had sold out so we came around to mine and watched fight club.

but i just donno. i feel so comfortable around him and so happy. usually talking to boys i struggle so much unless i've been drinking but with him it's so natural. he was like lets go see this concert and not drink and usually id be like no way but with him it actually seems like it would be fun even without drinking.

i wish he didnt have to leave but like its awkward having boys around when you live with your parents. i want him to be there all the time. i dont feel like ill ever get sick of him

i feel so exhausted by my life it's actually making me physically unwell. ive thrown up for no reason numerous times and i'm always gagging. i brush my teeth i wanna throw up. i eat i wanna throw up. i try to sleep i wanna throw up. i try to throw up i cant throw up. i try not to throw up i throw up.

fuck

im just exhausted. so exhausted.