wired_dolly

im such an empty person. i couldn't even explain...

so the other night i was trying to solve a friends problem. a guy that wasn't serious about her wanted to get her involved in a friends with benefits relationship and this attention was unwanted on her part. i know the guy too so i stepped in and said something to him about it and told him it wasnt fair. he tried to convince me it was fine and that it was a perfectly acceptable scenario and he was confident he would be able to change her mind. so i went about convincing him to leave her alone because thats the last thing she needs right now.

so i told him about how in my experience these things dont work. first about dean and how emotionally abusive he was despite me never doing anything or asking anything from him at any point. then about oliver and everything that has happened between us. eventually i was able to convince him but talking about everything and having an outsider sit there and tell me that i was being treated badly made me really think. and get really depressed.

the situation was so stupid. i was the only one getting upset. and when i brought it up a couple of weeks ago he told me i was important and he wanted me in his life. but then made no effort to keep me around. blew me off not one but three times. first time he was busy. second time he wasnt in town. third time he just didnt show up right. this is all in the period of a week. three strikes you are out.

i couldnt bear thinking about him all the time. it hurt too much. i deleted him from fb. sent him a text message explaining that the way i was being treated was fucking me up and i wasnt going to waste time on someone who didn't care about me. i told him that i believed he could be an awesome person but the way he acted was wrong. ignoring me. making decisions about my feelings without even discussing it with me. blowing me off all the time. telling me he wanted me around when he didnt. telling me i was important then avoiding me. i was basically really honest about what i felt but said ultimately i didn't want him around anymore and that if he saw me out could be please not approach me. pretend he didn't see me and just let me move on. and that from now i would be investing my time in looking for someone who actually thought i was the world.

so. 5 essay length text messages later at 5am in the morning i gave up on me and oliver.

i secretly still hoped he would tell me it was a mistake i guess and that i was important.

but a week passed and he never even replied.

couldnt even reply. coward.

so i just let it go. i still thought about him alot but i did not contact him. i made an effort to talk to other boys and i met one who thinks im amazing and wonderfull. but he isn't oliver. and i feel like a bad person leading him on when im so in love with someone else.

anyways.the complication.

i went out on friday night. oliver was at the same bar as me. don't know if he saw me assume he probably did but left like a good boy without approaching me and that was fine i was having a great time i didn't want that issue hanging over my night. so later in the night me and ali are sitting with some boy we just met and i'm talking to him and oliver comes over...

smiles and sais hi, how am i going...?

i'm pissed off and confused and sad. i look at him and say hi. wave and then turn around and continue my conversation with le boy.

he leaves for about ten minutes then comes back and sits on the other side of ali. i concentrate on this conversation im having with this boy and just ignore his precence. im annoyed because he is supposed to be avoiding me but he comes up like everyhting is fine and he didnt just ignore my text messages and he didnt just ignore everything that ever happened.

so he is talking to ali while im talking to this boy and she is telling him basically to fuck off because all he is going to do is hurt me and i dont need people like him around. he is defending himself saying that he just wants to talk to me. doesn't want to leave things the way they are. she tells him she thinks he is full of shit and brings up the fact he didnt even bother to respond to my messages. and he is like i was thinking about it. he goes on trying to convince her that im important and he isnt just trying to fuck things up. meanwhile im chatting away with le boy and exchanging fb details and what not. he is watching and sais to ali he feels like he is interrupting and she is like yeah you kind of are hey so why don't you fuck off.

and he gets up and leaves...

and i rage. i rage about the fact he doesn't even have the decency to avoid me like i asked him. pissed off about the fact that even when im trying to get over him he won't even allow me that. he doesnt want me around but he still can't let me go.

the rest of the night im proud of myself and the fact i didnt just cave to his bs.

and i expect he will have taken the hint and left me alone.

he texted me the next day. two essay length texts about how he is a bad person and he is sorry for hurting me and that he was avoiding it because he didn't want to deal with the fact he was hurting me. he sais he is sorry because he had countless opportunities to drop it and didn't take them because he didn't want to loose me. that in ten years time he still wants me to be around. that seeing me out and me ignoring him made him really hurt because he was used to situations like that and usually he just moved on to the next person but he couldnt do that with me.

he sais that he was scared by the fact that i can see through all the bullshit he puts out there. and the fact that i can see parts of him that no one else has seen.he sais he is scared to "commit to a feeling" then he sais he has "realised i don't want to keep running away from things" and that nothing will happen if he doesnt just give it a shot. and that he is sorry for making me feel like nothing because im beautiful and intelligent and a great addition to anyones life.

and im sad. and pissed off. because he is being selfish. its all just words. always words. sais the things he knows i want to hear to keep me hanging then does nothing about them ever.

i leave it for several hours and he tries to call a few times but i hang up straight away. but i just cant help myself and i text back and tell him he is selfish and that his words didn't solve anything because all he ever did was talk and never act upon anything. i told him the only reason he was putting this effort in is because im the only one who didn't think he was a bad person and now i'm begining to and he didn't like that. he just didn't want to be ignored. he didnt want to feel bad. but thats is exactly what he has been doing to me. ignoring me. making me feel bad.

i told him he was an arsehole for approaching me in the first place and the least he could do is give me the space to get over him since he didnt even want me around in the first place. i said that having him around would only make me sad and that i was sick of thinking about him and sick of being used by people who dont care about me.

i also said that if he hadn't seen me out he wouldnt have bothered even talking to me in the first place and that said alot.

so im back to being sad.

because im right. and it sucks.

he replies feeling really bad and defensive. tells me he never apologises to anyone and he is just trying to make things right and i shouldnt throw it back in his face. he didnt reply to my text because he was putting off dealing with the situation and seeing me again made him get around to it (like its not a priority arsehole). then he gets all depressed and starts talking about how i shouldnt let people treat me the way he has. he goes on about how depressed he is about loosing me. he sais he knows he makes me feel bad and thats part of the reason he avoids me because he doesnt like seeing me hurting. he sais i should cut him out of my life but he really doesnt want that. he doesnt want to loose me.


after reading all that i still feel annoyed but i feel really sad too. because i love this guy, i really do. and he does honestly think he is a bad person and if he cant stop doing that nothing will ever change for him ever. plus it is really out of character for him to chase after someone like this. but im really confused. and i dont know if i can trust it because last time he was just so full of shit. and i dont even know what all this means. what does this mean. does he want to be friends again. what does that mean to him. i know how he treats his friends and its not the way i treat my friends. sure they like him and he likes them but there is no depth there. he is a popular guy but he doesnt have alot of close friends. i think he knows how i feel about him obviously this isnt going to work. he isnt going to stop sleeping around. i cant see how this wont end up hurting me.

so i leave it.

and i dwell on it and try to think of what is the right thing to do. im sick of being hurt but im just so scared of loosing an opportunity when i feel this way about him. like im worried if i walk away i will never know what could have been but im worried if i stay ill just end up hating him completely and i dont want that either. i dont want to be sad.

the next day in the afternoon i reply to his message. i tell him that im scared of getting hurt by him again and im worried that he isnt serious. i tell him im worried ill open myself up again and he will just ignore me and it will be the same scenario over and over again. i tell him ultimately i think its a bad idea and nothing good would come of it but i was conflicted because it's not like me to walk away from something important. things should not be this complicated.

he replies that things have just gotten out of hand and at the end of the day there are people he does not care if he never see's again but i am not one of them.he sais he doesnt see why we shouldnt be friends even though generally speaking he isnt a very good one. obviously i need to keep my best interests in mind but at the very least he would still like to be able to speak to me.

im amused by the fact he doesnt see why we shouldnt be friends but everyone else can see the way he treats me is disrespectfull.

i sort of want to just leave it because thinking about it is just making me feel like i have no feelings on anything at all. like nothing is important.

i think about it for another day. eventually i come to a resolution that if its supposed to work it will. something will show me that it will.

so i text him back and i tell him that i can't promise anything and that if i start getting hurt again i'm just going to dissapear.that what i could do was stop ignoring him and that im willing to try and put this behind me but i wasnt sure it was best for either of us. i said that more then anything i want to be happy but i want him to be happy too and im not sure me being around if going to make either of us happy. i told him to be honest with me and don't tell me he wants me around if he doesnt. and that he didnt get to decide when i was too attached. and i told him i dont make casual friends. the friends i have i expect alot from them and that if any of them treated me the way he did it would be really serious like they hated me or something and thats why it upset me so much.


he replies and asks if i can send the message again because he had 3g off.

i do.

no reply. its been more then 24 hours. im not sure he will bother.

is this the sign that i should just stick to my guns.



so here i am thinking and thinking and thinking. and i'll probably run into him tommorrow night and i dont know how im supposed to act. i dont think i can just smile at him and hug him like its no problem at all. i think if he brings it up and attempts to talk about it maybe everything will be okay and we can work on it. if he ignores it he probably hasn't learnt anything at all and i should just back away.

i still havent added him on fb. i dont want to see his face floating all around distracting me and making me feel useless.


reading this i would smash my head into the screen and tell myself what an idiot i was for faling for the same trick over and over again.

but being in this situation is just different. all i feel is empty and sad. i dont even know if love can make up for that. but i can't let this go. i really want to but i cant
you cant just forget someone when they are a huge part of you. i dont even know how he became so important but i feel like ill never be happy again without him. like its all just so fake and im throwing myself into pointless things.

everything is pointless.

i dont know what to do. i really dont. i want him to come to me and reassure me and hug me and tell me that im right to feel this scared and lonely and angry and sad and that he wont leave me again and he wont hurt me again and that everything will be fine.

impossible. and that. thats probably answer enough.

YOU FUCKING COWARD. STOP RUNNING AWAY!!!

you are punishing both of us. i know it freaks you out how i can see through this persona you have built up for yourself

but you NEED me
you need someone like me who likes you for who you are and not who you pretend to be.

who will stick by you and not give up on you even though you act like a fucking dick

but you are making it so hard. and i'm sick of crying over you all the time. im sick of being the one that has to hurt because you are too scared to face up to it.

i know you are avoiding me because you are worried about getting too attached. you tell me its because i'm too attched and you dont want to hurt me but the thing is i know its because you got scared when i told you all this stuff about yourself that you didn't think anyone else could see. that freaked you out.

but i promise i could make you happy. and i dont ask for anything more then a little bit of attention. but im sick of begging for it.

i told you if you wan't me in your life you need to make me apart of it because i was sick of fighting for a place. and you tell me you do. but you take me for granted. you think im going to hang around while you get your shit together and try to ignore what is going on. i can't do that. i wish i could just hate you. because it would make it so much easier.

but i understand exactly why you are the way you are and i want to help you. i think i could make you happy. but you won't let me. and you are digging yourself deeper and deeper into this mess you made

you think that by not spending time with me you are somehow making this easier for me. i love you if you are here and i love you if you aren't here. the only difference is it hurts alot more when you aren't. any attention you could give me would be enough for me. just treat me like im important to you. i dont expect you to change. i just expect you to start being honest.


how can i give up on you. you genuinely hate hurting people but you keep doing it over and over again. and you keep hurting yourself. and if i give up on you, you are going to take it as justification that you were right and you are a bad person. if i dont give up on you i'm going to keep crying. im going to keep chasing something that wont exist.

i worry the only time you will realise what i mean to you is when im gone and then it will be too late for both of us.

and shit is so fucked at the moment. so fucked. i don't even know how it got this fucked. and i hate that i'm so angry at you. why did you force me in this position. all i want is your company. to see you. to spend time with you. to be able to feel the way i do about you. i don't ask anything else. and you make it so so complicated. you are so worried about what might happen you are missing everything. i don't want to regret anything. i dont want to wake up oneday and think wow i really should have given it more effort. i CAN'T just stop feeling this way about you even though you do your best to convince me that i should. you treat me in a way that makes me think i'd be better off if i did.

i know you just want to protect yourself.

but you are such a fucking coward. such a coward

and i'm sick of hurting so much.

i'm sick of being scared of saying anything to you for fear you are going to run away and leave me alone. and im sorry i hurt you when im honest. im sorry i say all the things i shouldnt and that i can't ignore the things i am supposed to. it hurts so so much. but i am not scared. not of this. the only thing im scared of is loosing you

so why is it okay that it's me who has to live in fear too. why when we could so easily solve this together. i could help you and you could help me. and i would never ask anything more. i don't want to loose you but i can see you slipping away everyday. just a little bit further. you need to let me help you. i can't help you when you resist me. i can't be the person i need to be for you when you don't see me. i can't live the way i'm living. i'm a shell of a person. i need you and i don't even undertand how i came to need you so badly.

i dont understand how one person can make me so happy and so desperatly unhappy at the same time. when im with you i'm so happy. so so so so happy. and i know i can do that for you too. but when you pull away you forget about me. and i am so beyond sad i could not even explain. and im scared im going to do something stupid because of it. i have never been this dependant on another person for my happiness in my life.

how can i make you understand my feelings.

im scaring you away.

i hate it.

please come back. please. i'll help you and it won't be so scarey. you just need to let it be and stop worrying. you need to accept the way you feel and the way i feel and accept there is no changing it. it just is. please. i beg and i beg and i beg and it hurts me everytime because i keep getting rejected. and yet i keep begging. because you are worth fighting for even if you don't think so. and i see the emptiness. and i understand. i really do.

please.

i miss him so much.i would think of me eve much as i though of him. i'm trying so hard to move on. i've deleted his phone number and everything. and it still just hurts so fucking bad. i feel so lonely. i go out and attempt to distract myself and meet new people but my thoughts just keep returning to him. and it sucks because i know he is out with other girls and not giving me a second thought. how can we go from talking everyday to seeing each other out and me avoiding him and him being nice but disinterested in me. fml.

the cheeky way you smile.

the way you talk to me and honestly care about what i'm saying in return.

the way you question yourself.

your confidence.

the way you slip your hand around my waist like it's so natural.

the way you stick your tongue out when you are trying to be cute.

the feel of your hair between my fingers.

the way you make me feel little and feminine.

the way we fit together perfectly when we are sleeping.

how you pick on me for wearing so much makeup

when you tell me i'm beautiful.

when you tell me that i am worth something and that i'm smart

when you try and offer me some direction even though you have none yourself

the way you make yourself comfortable no matter where you are.

that smile you get when i try and seduce you

the way you get really horny in the morning but you are always so sleepy you can't even bring yourself to do anything about it

how you sleep until the afternoon

how i could have fun with you regardless of what we are doing

the way you fuck me. seriously. just ohmygod.

when you try to play with my hair and you are frustrated by the amount of product or fake hair involved.

when i catch you caring more then you should

how you try and be honest even when you lie to yourself so much

the way you talk to me like an equal even though you are so harsh on girls in general

the way you always convince me to do things that are against my better judgment

how i get caught doing things with you and the way i don't even really care

taking showers with you

when you told me i am really good at head.

when you look straight through me and tell me things about myself that people who have known me for years have never been able to pick up on.

i love how you wear the same blue shirt out all the time and you still look hot.

i love that you read.

i love that your room is a mess and you keep a roll of toilet paper next to your computer

i love how you think i'm crazy but you still hold my hand even when i'm dressed in lolita.

i love how much you loved me that week. if i could go back in time i would live that one week forever.

i like how you know so many interesting people and how all your friends are attractive.

i think the fact that you look fucking hot all the time is really unfair but i love it anyways.

when you walk around naked. thats probably my favourite.

how you always know what to say.

the way you have these deep conversations with me in an attempt to make me understand even as you push me away.

i love how much it hurts to love you.











but it's going to be okay. i'm just going to fill the void. at this point in life i can't have you. it helps i guess knowing that noone else can have you either. and i worry you are hurting yourself doing this. and lord knows you are hurting other people. but thats just the way it's going to be. and maybe three years from now you will be a different person. and we will run into each other. and you will remember all the things you like about me. and it will all fall into place.

but now im going to work on making myself important to other people so that i'm not so lonely and desperate for you. im going to make myself important to alot of people so hopefully i wont be lonely at all. and i will grow and be more sociable and just like you i'll be able to make people love me. and maybe if i can make many people love me it wont hurt so fucking much that one person doesnt.

Kim




what are the odds i haven't come across like the biggest slice of dick cheese in life?

..



Oliver



hahaha kim




sorry i didnt reply




i did the walk of shame from my friends house in dickson back to civic for a bus today




and been dying all arvo







Kim



dude. seriously. all i can say is sorry. im such a retard. this is why people are supposed to have friends that stop them doing retarded shit

..







Oliver



its fine its not ur fault

..








Kim



uh well yeah techincally it is

..







Oliver



ur not a robot and shit affects u




i should be less of a bad person

..







Kim



no but its not even like that. because i knew even before i went out that chances are i wouldnt run into you and for some reason i still went retarded about it.




like i really think i am a person who should not drink. and putting up with ali all night put me on edge. you would not even believe the night i had




anyways just dont make me into one of those chicks that you run away from when you see them in civic. because yeah im batshit crazy but like i dont want that to happen you know.

..







Oliver



yea look




loosely my thoughts on the situation are like




i think ur great and fun




but as u can tell im not one to get more involved




i feel bad for though u might feel u overreacted or were being freaked out or watever




i dont want to hurt u




and clearly u have alot of feelings on the subjet

..








Kim



yeah i know that. like honestly. i wasnt lying the other night when i said even if you were i wouldnt. which is what sucks because i think i just made a hhuge step backwards here. i'm not looking to try and get you to like me bro.




honestly it;s like this. in my life i need friends i dont need boyfriends or whatever. i just need people around. thats all. because what i tend to do is i tend to just shut myself away from people. which is why when i make friends with people i tendd to be a little paranoid that they dont really like tme that much.

..





and even though you dont believe in guy girl friendships i donno i sort of count you as a friend regardless. like obviously not totally platonically but i do

..







Oliver



i get that i just dont want to cause u problems




i dont hate u




i still think ur crazy but no more than i always have






..







Kim



yeah but now you think i like you do. which is a huge problem for me/.




too*




but look. im worried you see me as like some sort of an obstacle. in all honestly, 100% do not have a problem with you going out and picking up girls. at all. its what you do. i appreicate that. if i was a guy id probably wanna do the same. and i know it sounds hard to believe but its true.

..



i saw you out with that girl last night and i just let itbe. i just left didnt come and interrupt or anything because i dont want to be a cock block to you man

..







Oliver



ok




clearly its had an effect though




and im sorry for that




basicaly ur text outburst thing




hasnt made me feel anything bad towards u




so like dont stress




im just idk




being confronted by alot of different things




making me get all introspective




and its good i guess i wanna grow as a person




so thank u




i thhink ur great kim and u should do shit for u id love to see u really happy

..







Kim



oh god. no really i am so beyond full of shit that i really would not take anything i say as any reflection on you and you certianly shoulnt be taking it on as feedback. fuck. seriously. huuuge mistake. god.




you cant be basing your actions or whatever around the happiness of other people. i know ti others you that all these girls get so upset which is why im frustrated i went and acted like one of them last night but seriously it's not your fault. it's like avoidable but people only get hurt because of their own expectations. you arent telling them to expect this shit they just do it on their own.

..






Oliver



regardless people are still people

..







Kim Rowe



i think you spend too much time thinking about what an arsehole you are when you really arent. ive met aresholes and you might hurt people but you arent one. you are probably one of the nicest guys ive ever met. and thats why people get hurt. it's not you and i think it really sucks you think you should have to sit there and reflect on your behaviour or whatever like there is something wrong with you when ther isnt

.


yeah but you cant put other people before youself. it doesnt work. you cant ever make other people happy until you are happy yourself. its the biggest mistake anyone can make

..






Oliver



thanks kim but idk




idk




><




u dont have to apologise and shit here

..







Kim



ugh wish i could go back in time and smack myself up a little.

..







Oliver



uve done nothign wrong




the thing is i could elect to not be disingenuous




not get so involved with no long term goals




i justify me doing this kinda shit by what ursaying




if i dont promise things its ok




but at the end of the day people still have feelings




and just because i block mine out doesnt make shit ok




but anyway




ur a smart girl and u have no where near enough self respect or confidence as u deserve




i dontw anna be another factror in ur life influencing u to be that girl

..







Kim



the thing is though right shit sint that simple. its not like. take away the negative influences and kimberley will be a normal person. it;s too hard to explain why i am the way i am but it's all ive got man. like i dont want to get all crazy here but i tend to be of the mind that it's better to feel anything then nothing at all you know.

.
which people dont really understand.




so yeah i hurt myself alot. but its not the people around me.




not my influences




because even if you pulled me out of canberra put me with a different group of people. gave me a different lifestyle. id rstill do the exact same shit.

..







Oliver



and here u are telling me to be happy before i try and just make people like me

..








Kim



yeah well im nothing if not full of shit believe me. the thing is i am right about it being more important to myake yourself happy then other people. even though i generally dont follow my own advice. its always obvious to me what i should be doing its just my nature to do the oppostite because i freak out when things are too perfect

..



anyways. if we just put this shit behind us i feel life will be much more enjoyable

..







Oliver



hhaha so wise kim

..
ur sucha clever girl




without being patronising




u should be clever for urself









its all good kim nothing to put behind us

..







Kim


i wouldnt worry about me. i know exactly what to do to make life fine and dandy. just freaks me out to much for me to actually follow through. eventually ill get over sabotaging myself in the meantime i wouldnt worry about it.

i knew it was mistake even as i did it. i was concious of this and still i pressed send like a fucking retard

willingly fucking up everything i have right now for no reason. maybe because i want to fucking hurt. because thats the only thing that could plausably come of such an action and i know this. im just so fucking beyond retarded i dont even know. i want to fucking drive a piece of steel into my skull.

so i texted him. drunk

he texted me at 10pm asking me if i was comming out. i told him i wasn't planning on it, should i be? he sais he doesnt know but he is out and asks me how my birthday was. i reply and say i might come out but most of my friends are in sydney. so i call my friend and we organise to go out. he texts me a couple more times about some other stuff getting a friends phone number, meatballs you know just shit. we try and organise some drugs for shits and giggles. my guy falls through he finds some and asks once again if i am comming tells me he loves me and would i like him to aquire some for me. i'm like yes please, on my way.


okay.

get to civic. don't call him straight away because i don't want to be clingy. he is with his friends and usually he doesnt like to be stuck with one girl all night. shit gets awkward. i wait an hour and i call him. he doesnt pick up. ignoring a text is classic oli hence me calling him. but he doesn't pick up. i take this for what it is. he isn't ready to see me yet. balls.

okay so i go to a couple of clubs. dance have a drink whatever but dont want to spend all my money on alchohol and entrance fee's. i decide right maybe we can just accidentally run into him i know the places he goes we will just walk past and see if he is loitering around at the very least if he doesnt want to hang out yet he might be able to give us drugs and we meet up again later.

so we go for a stroll. no luck. oh well. back to the club. dance a little get a little drunker. another hour passes. this isnt how shit was supposed to go at all. go for another stroll. oh hello. oliver. but it's not quiet the right situation we have to come across each other so we look like we are walking past coincidentally not so it looks like i was looking or he will find it annoying. so i dont approach i stop play with my phone hoping he will notice we are outside the same place.

nahhhhh. he is with a girl. has his arms around her. okay. well this isnt suprising. don't want to cock block him. he is leaving anyways we may as well go back up to the main area him and his girl will have to walk past anyways then he wont resent me for interrupting him with a girl.

okay.

not working because my friend is seeing all these guys she hates. awkward. back into the club with us.

at this point i feel like shit. its 3am and he hasnt called me back and he is off with some other chick even though we arranged to meet up in civic. so fuck bring on the shots lets get drunk im just going to dance and not deal with this shit. i knew what he is like. unreliable. why am i relying on someone like this.

okay so im pissed off and getting nice and drunk. text message. oh it's oliver.

"sorry sorry sorry sorry, are you out? what's doing?"

i'm drunk as fuck at this point. and so pissed off. i text back. "indeed i am. just chilling. where are you at? " don't want him to know i'm pissed off because it's my own fault after all for thinking he would actually want to hang out with me.

he doesn't reply for 15 minutes. texts me back sayin "where you chilling though"


im like FUCKING LOL. are you serious. ignore my question so i don't know where you are. find out my location so you know where to avoid so that there is no chance of me running into you and your litttle girly. im not fucking stupid.


so now im seriously unimpressed.

i call him. he picks up. he is like hey where you at. i'm like i'm at clubhouse. he is like. hmmmmm i might come round later. i'm looking at my watch and i'm thinking yeah right what the fuck sort of time is this. so im like whateverrrr and i hang up.


have another drink get back to the dancing

friend is having this emotional breakdown about a guy she has known for a week and im trying to cheer her up because he is a wanker whatever.

she is trying to make him jealous trying to text him and talk to him. trying to kiss people in front of him. nothing is working the guy just doesnt give a shit. he isnt interested.

im at this point not friends with humanity. im fucking drunk. i just want to fucking dance and be pissed off and god help anyone who talks to me.

sooooo another half hour. no oliver. ahahahah. obviously. who was i kidding. he is so full of shit.

sitting outside. my friend decides to call him. tells him to come to clubhouse right now. im like fuck that shit i dont even know how to pretend i dont care that he has ignored me the whole night right now. he is comming to meet us outside im like fuck that im going in. im going to dance. 20 minutes he still hasnt come lol. whatever. it's my fault. why do i waste my time on someone like that.

club is closing. leave. go sit outside with a group of randoms because they are sitting in front the boy that is snobbing my friend and she wants to make him jealous by letting him see how popular she is.

im like fuuuuck.

okay. so sitting there for a while i get a phone call. oliver. lovely. so i answer the phone he is like where are you at... im sort of like .... then i see him come around the corner and i tell him i'm looking at him.

he comes over sits down next to my friend. says hello. then she grabs him tells him he should help her make this boy jealous and they start making out.

im like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

seriously. you fucking stand me up like a cunt then without even apologising for that you go and fucking make out with my friend right in front of me. like i dont have many standards for you but you have really sunk below the ones i did have.

so i'm sitting here trying to pretend not to care they are fucking sucking each others face out in front of me. awkwardly making conversation with the people around me.

he starts asking for advice and being sad and he is like comforting her and whatever. im sitting there being fucking pissed off as all hell. then to cheer her up he decides to tell her about how we had sex on thursday night.

im so annoyed. he can tell.

he comes and sits with me and tells me not to be mad. i'm like whatever. he is sort of touching me trying to make me not be pissed off at him. he asks me how my night was. i'm like... yeah. he is like don't be pissed i left my friend to come and see you. sort of awkwardly because it's obvious that i know he is talking about a girl. i'm like yeah maybe you shouldn't have. saw you and your friend earlier decided not to interrupt. he is like... what friend. and i was like i don't know her you had your arm around her and he is like... yeah.... and shit is nice and awkward.

anyways after a little bit more small talk he is like.. weellllll i might head then. and i'm like uhuh. he goes in for a hug and a kiss and i turn my head so he gets my cheek. and he is like don't be like that. and i'm like don't worry about it have a nice night. he leaves.

friend has dissapeared. im outside sitting with people i dont know. what the fuck. fuck this shit. i get up join the taxi line. call friend and tell her to get the fuck back outside because we are going home.

get in the taxi i'm upset and not talking. she is upset because of all her various dramas. i'm sitting there thinking why the fuck did you kiss him when i've been going on about him all night. it's not really ok. i'm crying in the taxi but i dont think anyone notices.

get home. crawl into bed in the front room together. i start crying even more. possibly she notices now she dissapears for a litlte while. i pull the covers up and start writing up the text which fucks everything up.

if i had of just ignored it and not sent this text it would have fine. he would have kept on doing his thing shit would be same as usual but now he is going to avoid me because i look too attatched. i basically just got myself kicked out of his life.

so i text him and it basicaly goes like this. i tell him im retarded and i know i shoudlnt be texting him but since im retarded im going to do it anyways. i tell him i have a habit of fucking things up when everything is going okay. its the reason i dont finish stuff. the reason that if a guy likes me i push him away. the reason why i dont have alot of friend. and i tell him im used to it. im used to people treating me badly and thats why i got myself into this situation in the first place. i tell him i know he needs people to like him. because he does. thats why he fucks around so much. he needs to be important to everyone he meets. and i tell him that's okay. i dont mind. if he wants to take a girl home and sleep with her i'm not going to get in the way. all i want is for him not to text me at 10pm then meet me at 4am. and for him not to make out with my friends in front of me. i tell him it's impossible for me to dislike him.i knew what he was like from the begining and it's my fault because i keep fucking myself around when i know very well the way he is going to act. i tell him it's okay and i've been in the situation before and at the end of the day i'm just going to grin and take it because its what i deserve. i deserve to be in a situation like this because i put myself in it. i finished it up by telling him i hope this didnt fuck things up. i dont really want anything to change. i expect nothing and all i want is to chill occasionally and have sex and that he is real with me and doesn't come to see me just out of obligation.

and i wind it all up with another paragraph about how retarded i am and he should probably jsut ignore this text and whatever.



and. then i go to sleep.

and i have this wonderfull dream where he calls me and then he comes over and we talk about it. and things arent perfect but he can see what happened wasn't right and he doesnt know if he can be better then he is but he doesnt want to loose me. lol. this is the dream. and he sais maybe we should try going out and just see. ahhahaha. im so fucking ridiculous


and i wake up in the morning

with no reply.

and i text. and say. please just ignore everything.

and no reply.

and i wait all day for some sort of response. anything even if it's just like. no biggie. or shit this is real awkward with you didn't do that. or why are you going crazy bitch on my arse.

but still nothing.

so i lay in bed all day. and i dont eat. and i sit there with my phone in my hand waiting for it to vibrate. and i cry a couple of times. and i check facebook. and occasionally i see him online but i don't want to talk to him if he doesnt want to talk to me. ive already texted him he obviously has nothing to say to me. so i just watch the little icon and hope he will talk to me then everytime he logs out i cry a little more.

and i watch his page and see the girls he has added recently and the comments he makes on other peoples pages. and i just wait. hoping ill hear that little bleep and he will be like don't worrya bout it man. like it never happened.

and nothing.

i go to sleep.
i wake up.
i check my phone.

nothing.



i've fucked everything up. i've fucked it all up so much. we made so much progress on thursday and now nothing.

fuck me im reduced to nothing.

i have a whole heap of nothing in my life and i don't know what to do with it. living is such a burden to me when there is nothing. nothing to look foward to.
i hate myself for always always always fucking shit up. always.

im so fucking stupid.

never hated anyone the way i hate myself. classic kim style. i don't deserve anything good.

so i had a good talk with him last night that i think helped, but at the same time confused me and made me sad. i think i have a much better understanding of the person he is now. he has had a fair bit of shit happen in his life. most of it regarding girls and the way he treats them and how it has effected him. the reasons why he thinks he does it. what he doesnt see is how its obvious that these girls will react this way and he is repeating the same mistakes. i think maybe he just ignores it until the last minute. it bothers him that everyone ends up hating him and i think that he thinks he is a bad person because of it but he has spent so much time building up a persona he doesnt know how to tell the difference between his real identity and the one he fabricated.

i told him that i was scared id say the wrong thing to him. that at some point i would either say too much and he would think i was too interested and dissapear. say too little and he would just loose interest in me. i felt like i was always waiting for him to say something so i knew the right thing to say and im not used to that.

i told him that i enjoy spending time with him. i enjoy having sex with him. id like to be able to just do both without having to have all the mind fuck about relationships and whatever.

he told me that he didn't know what to do with me because i wasn't normal. because he knows so many people he was worried what hanging out with me would look like

and i gues that sort of hurts.

he said that its hard for people to see that this weird girl is actually really cool and thats why he spends time with me. i dont understand why he should care so much what other people think when he really doesnt need more fans then he has got anyways.

i dont know what to make of him and i feel sort of sad for him because i think the kid is genuinely messed up. and i dont think he knows what he wants either. i think he just does what he thinks he is supposed to do.

it came up somehow that he was not a good relationship prospect. i said that it was obvious to me and i didnt think i was experienced enough to handle someone like him. he said if he asked me out right now would i say no. i said firstly that wouldnt be very nice and secondly i'd probably be confused and upset. i said when i first met him yes. probably i would. now probably not. because i dont think he is capable of scincerly being with one girl at the moment. i told him a relationship is the last thing he needs.

then today he is talking as if it's what he wants. not with me i think thats obvious enough. he was like i need a wife. i mean i wanna stop going out so much. and why do guys go out to get laid. i think that sort of would be pointless if i had a wife. i told him that chances are if he had a girlfriend he would still go out and try and get laid. he told me he could be fiathfull and i dont think either of us believed him.

he said something about it being nice that i didnt hate him then proceeded to count how many girls in his life didnt hate him right now. 7. so i assume thats my competition hey. 7 girls. within the same conversation he tells me i should hook up with my female friend but not have a threesome with her boyfriend because he isn't good at sharing. hooking up with a girl is okay but not a guy. i told him he wasnt really in a position in life where he can afford not to be good with sharing considering the fact he himself messes around with so many people. i was happy to think though he might be able to be alittle jealous. he doesnt know i hooked up with his friend but he seems a little put off when i talk about him like i know him.

i think i do fit into a weird spot in his life. i don't think that it's 100% all about sex. this is nothing like what it was like with dean. i feel like he wants someone to be honest with. he wants someone to know he is a bad person and to like him anyways.

i told him that i liked arseholes. i had a habit of liking guys that were no good for me. guys with girlfriends. guys who just arent very nice. guys who will use me. guys i have no chance with. i told him that if he was attainable probably i wouldnt like him so much as i do.

i dont know what to do with my life i really don't. i'm a mess. i have no goal as such. i'm taking too many drugs. i can't really even drink anymore without vomiting. i'm not sure how to have fun. i'm not sure how to be the sort of person that other people will really like. i'm just not very good at this life thing.

i wish i could get to know him somewhere where he didnt know anyone else. so that he could just be totally honest with me and relaxed being around me without caring what people think. in some ways he is so spot on with the way he percieves me but in other ways i feel like he is missing something about me completely and therefore he is only getting half the picture which doesnt make sense. but how do you make someone understand you when you don't understand yourself.

im not sure whats going to happen. i'm open to meeting new people and moving on. im not going to stop doing things because of this. but im so confused and scared about everything. i dont understand him. i dont understand me. i dont understand what we are doing. i wish he would just be completely straight about how he saw me. like where do i actually fit in his life. if he gets a girlfriend is that just it am i just irrelevant?

so. i was told by this boy that girls and guys cannot just be friends.

i totally totally disagreed. i have had loads of guy friends i have looked at as nothing but guy friends

then i thought. well maybe it wasn't so simple as that. genuinely i thought of them that way but when it comes down to it if they had a chance to have sex with you would they say no?

so now i'm thinking all guys are just retardedly simple

and its actually made me think about things completely differently.

i'm worried now that i know what they are thinking that i'm going to take advantage of it and become just as much of an arsewad as most of the guys i know are.

for example i hooked up with the guy i likes friend the other night. why? because i was sick of waiting for the guy i like and i knew i could get this guy and he is pretty cute. thats the whole reason.

that probably makes me a bad person.

except that guys do this all the time. and they do it to me all the time. why should i spend my time waiting on boys when they could be waiting on me.

the first month or so was amazing.

what changed,

me.

the thing is i was fun to be around at the begining. i was happy and i didn't care too much about drinking or drugs. i just wanted to spend time with good people. i was the sort of person it was enjoyable to be around because i was full of compliments and wanting to listen to people and praise.

i can pinpoint the day even everything started to go wrong and the doubt crept in. then i started obsessesing over it. i started doubting what was happening between us. i started putting up walls because i didn't want to get hurt and therefore i stopped being the sort of person people want to be around. i started becoming more sarcastic and cynical and focusing on the bad points rather then the good points. conversation which flowed easily became harder. the amount of attention he gave me became less. this only made me feel i was right about everything which sent it into overdrive and i just put up the complete defensive and said fuck everything fuck life.

so the past month ive been wishing i was dead over nothing. nothing.

and no wonder nobody wants to deal with that or be around that because its just unpleasant and unnecessary. because it's really quiet simple. be the sort of person that makes other people feel good and people will come to you.






sooooo.


total self improvement.

im going to become a hottie. im going to invest myself in my appearance 100% and become ultra fit babe'n toned as fuck hottie. might change my hair. maybe get a tan. buy some more makeup and scents. just stop being so stuck in boring kim mode. i feel gross. this will change.

i'm going to change my attitude completely and remind him that i am fun. i'm going to be forward with the compliments and hold back any criticism. i'm not going to talk about anything bad. going to quit the cynicism. im going to try and just hang out with him. hang out and show him that i'm the sort of girl that is worth having around all the time. that was a huge change in the first month we were seeing each other all the time like daytime. and just enjoying each others company. the last month its just been out clubbing. thats skeezy that puts me in the roll of booty call not normal female.

i'm going to make an effort to be funny. to flirt. to be the sort of girl that guys like. without just giving in because someone is giving me attention. i'm going to become more wholesome girl next door material.

it'll be fine. he will realise. the only thing that has to change is me.