wired_dolly

the other day i was decorating the christmas tree on my own because she didnt want to help me because "she doesn't like me" her exact words. thats pretty depressing. the next day my sister calls and asks for help decorating her tree and suddenly my little sister wants to help out. then at jessicas house she tells me she "hates me" out of the blue while im making christmas decorations. then i take everyone out for dinner and buy everyone chinese, drinks, ice cream and chocolate and she doesnt even say thank you. infact i invited her out and she then proceeded to invite her friend and ignore me the whole time even while i have to pay for all her friends food too. last week i took her to the movies and paid for snacks and the ticket and she didnt say thank you for that either. she doesnt appreciate anything i do.

i have been feeding her for the past two weeks. i have been cooking dinner and she has not even made an attempt to clean up. she left me at home for five days out of seven last week while she went out to various parties. (my parents have a rule that i need to know where she is and she needs to ask their permission before going to anyones house or any parties) the other day she suddenly decides that after not bothering to be home all week she desperatly needs to go to a party that night but she can't get in contact with the parents because they are out in rural queensland. i told her if she can't get a hold of them she will just have to stay home because the parents didn't want her going anywhere without their permission and i didnt want to take the blame for it. she then starts yelling at me and telling me not to talk like i know her and blah blah blah blah. she is so unreasonable all the time. she went to five parties that week already and decided an hour before this party she had to go. she then said she didnt care and she was going to go anyways. to which i had to respond that she couldnt and i would tell the parents because they specifically said that they needed to know where she was. at this point i was quiet upset (this is the same time i was decorating the christmas tree) and she was saying really awful things and i started crying and she went and locked herself in her bedroom and didnt talk to me for two days. nothing i said was unreasonable. i didnt even say it in a bad way i just tried to reason with her. and seriously i really wanted to have a family christmas and do the decorations with everyone. its something i look foward to every year and it seems like its getting mroe and more that im the only one that cares about it.

it makes me feel so sad that she hates me so much and for no reason. i try to reason with her and ask her why she is so awful to me and she doesnt even have a reason. she just shrugs. i want to do things with her and i want her to like me and i want her to at least treat me nicely and appreicate the things i do for her. i would love it if she listened to me and took the initiiative to help me clean after i cook or to do her jobs without being told and to act like an adult but she just doesnt seem to be able to.

another problem i have with her is the amount of time she has her boyfriend over. its a pain in the arse. she is never home and when she is its with her dickhead boyfriend. they then proceed to block all the sunlight out of the house and then put on a movie. which they then watch with their back to the screen. and i swear to god my sister was wearing a bra before i hoped in the bath and when i hop out she is running around without a bra. which to me is just more then a little suspicious. my parents have talked to her about her stupid boyfriend staying so late too. she doesnt seem to understand that its rude to have guests past 9 on a weeknight. the parents always send me out to tell her its time to send him home at like 11pm. they do this because they dont want to seem rude but then karena just sits there and has another reason to hate me. parents arent home and i cant go to sleep until the idiot leaves and ive told karena he can only stay until 11pm which is actually pretty lenient considering he isnt supposed to stay over past 10. but then at 11:30 i go out and tell her that her boyfriend is supposed to leave at 11 and she snaps at me like a retard and ignores me. even though i have to sit up and wait around for her lame arse boyfriend to leave. she is so inconsiderate.

i really hope she grows out of this bullshit but im really worried that by the time she does i will have left home and it will have lost the opportunity to have a close relationship.

its just so frustrating and i wish she could be nice to me and treat me like a human. i do my best by her and i wish she would just consider how she makes me feel all the time.

how does this happen. i go to school this morning to hand in my assignment only to find out im a day early for my presentation..

okay great. im done and im done a day early. this is something that does not usually happen.

but now that i have had an extra day to work on it. i feel like i dont have enough.

today i felt like it was not great but good enough.

now i feel like i will just scrape by. (and i dont god help me)


i am not one of those people who are all like "waah im so nervous waaah im going to do so bad even though the teacher loves me and i always get great marks" those people annoy me to shit because when i actually am worried about my work it end up going to shit. so someone sitting there complaining when they have no reason to be just reeks of attention whoring and digging for praise.




if i can scrape by this year i am going to try so much harder next year.

or maybe thats not the way to describe it.

ive been feeling really confused lately about all of this and its only for about the last two days ive had any idea what to do.

and suddenly it all sort of makes sense.

when i was a kid the doctor said i probably had ADHD but my mum didn't want me on medication because she thought its what made up my personality. and for a large part i agree and i dont think she was wrong in that decision.

and ive always known this i also think its quiet obvious to most people. but i never really understood what it meant. yeah im hyper and distractable. but i was reading up on it and it explains so much of my behaviour and my inability to concentrate at all even when i really want to. for the last couple of years ive sort of put my failure in everything down to getting depressed all the time. but i think rather thats a result of my inability to concentrate. i think if i wasnt constantly letting myself down i would not get upset and i would be alot happier. i am no less talented then anyone else and i work just as hard.

my whole life people have been telling me im not living up to my potential. and thats always just pissed me off really. ive never given anyone a reason to believe im capable of more except that i talk like i am. every report card ive ever got has said i could achieve more i dont fully apply myself blah blah blah. but i think they are proabbly right and i am capable of more i am just unable to focus at all. even when i try. infact the more i try the worse it gets. i will read something and not understand it and re read it and not pick up any words at all. unless im interested in something my brain just doesnt attach and match things together. even when im freaking about about assignments and sitting there with my work in front of me i will get distracted. i will try and do it and have no idea what i am doing so on so forth. and i do this constantly.

well anyways suddenly my behaviour and me constantly screwing things up for myself make a bit more sense to me. and i feel like maybe finally i will have a solution. even if it ends up being not right at least i can try and feel there is something i can do about this. im not lazy. i try really hard. im just not able to work the way other people are. but anyways so im going to go talk to my doctor sometime before school starts again and explain to her what i think is going on and talk about the possibility of going on a medication to help me focus. and if it works i cannot explain how much that would mean to me. that i would finally be able to not let myself down and feel like i can achieve something.

i really cannot explain what that would mean to me. i actually seriously hope that is my problem because to have a possible solution is more then i ever hoped for. anyways we will see.



so if everything for once in my life goes okay and i can scrape by then i will be so happy and i will feel like its worth trying to do things. i was so ready to give up just so i wouldnt have to face dissapointment again and i hope to god that for once i can get through this without fucking up.

this song.. pretty much is me in a nutshell.

"The Perfect Fit"

I could make a dress
A robe fit for a prince
I could clothe a continent
But i can't sew a stitch

I can paint my face
And stand very very still
Its not very practical
But it still pays the bills

I can't change my name
But i could be your type
I can dance and win at games
Like backgammon and life

I used to be the smart one
Sharp as a tack
Funny how that skipping years ahead
Has held me back

I used to be the bright one
Top in my class
Funny what they give you when you
Just learn how to ask

I can write a song
But i cant sing in key
I can play piano
But i never learned to read

I can't trap a mouse
But i can pet a cat
No i'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that

I can't fix a car
But i can fix a flat
I could fix alot of things
But i'd rather not get into that

I used to be the bright one
Smart as a whip
Funny how you slip so far when
Teachers dont keep track of it

I used to be the tight one
The perfect fit
Funny how those compliments can
Make you feel so full of it

I can shuffle cut and deal
But i can't draw a hand
I can't draw a lot of things
I hope you understand
I'm not exceptionally shy
But i've never had a man
That i could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans

I can take a vow
And i can wear a ring
And i can make you promises but
They won't mean a thing

Can't you do it for me, i'll pay you well
Fuck i'll pay you anything if you could end this

Can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
Fuck i'll give you anything if
You can make the damn thing work

Can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
Fuck ill pay you anything
If you can end this
Hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
Hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?

i would give anything for a solution. i really would.

i could not really begin to describe how i feel right now except that i'm not particularly stressed. im not particularly depressed. im not panicking. but i really feel like i should be.

at this point in time i feel like school isnt a priority

and this is really bad because we have assesments and junk and it just doesnt seem important to me.

basically because im doing part time and my teacher thinks im wasting her time she is like prove yourself prove yourself i want to see great things since you are doing shit all.

but still i havent really managed to get things done on time and even the things i did do on time i havent got handed in on time. there is no way this will be excused because they don't believe i have any reason for it

and if they were to ask me why im not sure i could answer. i dont believe there is any excuse i could offer that is valid.

sorry miss it just didnt seem important at the time?

basically things never really go the way i want and im not great at traditional education. i love learning and i still think i have alot to learn but i can't do assignments and i cant get things done in time.

and people will sit there and be like you could if you tried. you could if you forced yourself.

and you know what. things dont work that way for me. its been a problem my whole life. im just not able to make myself focus the way other people can. as a kid i probably really should have been given medication for ADHD but my mum didn't want to spoil my "creativity" and i do think that trait sort of makes me who i am. getting depressed all the time really doesnt help the matter either. im really easily turned off things and i dont find it easy to motivate things. my short term memory is horrible and i cant concentrate on things.

its impossible for someone with a normal mind to understand but think of it sort of like trying to count money and someone is having a conversation with you at the same time. you can sort of do both but you will loose count or you will tune them out. thats what its like for me to do basic things.

also my panic mode does not kick in until its far too late. i dont know why really.

but anyways at this point in time i dont know what will happen.

what i want is just to start my own bussiness right now. i hate that i dont really have time to sew. i just want to make things and get started on my bussiness.

however if i was to do that instead of school i would have to do first year again later if i decided i still wanted my degree. and basically i think if i dont get my degree i would really regret it. but how will i convince the teachers that i need this if i have no excuses for my actions and i can barely convince myself this is right for me let alone convince them.

i feel really dissapointed honestly. i really dont know what to do.

i also know the second i look like im going to fail again all my support will dissapear. my parents have already told me that they will support me this time but if i fail again (like i totally fail everything... i dont know why they think i do) then i will have to pay for my education and i have no idea how i would be able to study and do that at the same time. i get so much shit for nothing. everyone treats me like crap because i dont have my year 12 certicate and the only thing i can throw back is that im doing a degree. im scared of loosing that.